Jay (brian1789) wrote,

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Ten years on LJ...

Ten years ago today, after watching enough passing references on the alt.polyamory Usenet group, I tentatively created this account. My first entry was timed for midnight, here. Working for NASA, that marked the New (fiscal) Year...

Back then, I was giving rosefox and a friend rides from SF to San Jose airport (I both had a crush on her back then, and was trying to be supportive post-9/11-Liam), was writing a "friend-breakup" letter with someone local (whom I don't even remember, now, other than we made up later...) was feeling stressed over a drill automation paper that was due in a few days, was wrestling with patgreene over poly relationship issues, and being told by a friend over lunch "well, you're sort of a B-list person anyway" after she asked whether I was going to a party (to which I hadn't been invited). And I was feeling pretty undesirable and unlovable, at times.

That last part hasn't changed much, especially lately when multiple folks that I thought enjoyed my company have not replied (or only with repeated pings) to invites or suggestions on my part. Or when I seem to be already not-shiny and backshelved, 4 months into a given new relationship. A couple of them, actually. I feel sometimes lately like I've grown horns or something, over the summer.

And I'm still trying to push drilling automation for planetary exploration forward... hopefully we are now somewhat closer to a mission, now, as a result. patgreene and I still wrestle or struggle at times, but we're doing better overall. Last weekend at Folsom, not only did Pat go, but she led our group, avidly, and cyan_blue and I bought her a corset (which looks great on her :). We still have to cope with my being extroverted and Pat being very much an introvert...

In that realm, after starting to date tenacious_snail back in 2004, and given that there were many more local events organized by friends in the later 2000s, I enjoyed a few years of being almost an "A list" person (or couple, at least) and having lots of social opportunities. Post-messy-Les-breakup in 2008, and with old local social circles falling apart, the invites are now back to being occasional and I mostly hear afterwards about parties that friends went to. Back to the "B list" for me, apparently, right where things were a decade ago. That's kind of ongoing-low-level depressing, coloring other successes in other areas.

Still, even if some things have come full circle, others have improved. And I met one LDR partner (geekchick) via our LJ interactions, heading towards a 10th anniversary hopefully next May for us. Arguably also datagoddess (even if we fought and weren't speaking to each other at times ;-). I have a nearly decade-long crush on archway, via LJ, if I ever make it to KC. And it has strengthened my community ties and my relationships over the years (particularly with dawnd, tenacious_snail and cyan_blue. Even while some of my alt.poly friends faded away ( Jennie, Rose, elynne, Ruth Anne) as I spent more time and energy on LJ instead of Usenet.

Overall... probably a positive impact for me. And the negative aspects are mostly due to my own baggage, hence slow to evolve or change anyway. And I managed to actually keep writing this long... 3,408 entries. :-)
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